Every once in a while I remember to take my own advice.
I feel like one of the biggest gifts that parenting had given me, besides two amazing little people, is the expanded ability for self reflection.
My oldest has been having 'big feelings' ( as we call them) for quite a while now. Bopping back and forth between two houses with wildly different rules and values (and other issues) is hard for even older kids to handle. Her feelings tend to bubble over and come out in ways that are hard for both of us to manage. We're currently seeing an amazing child therapist, but in the meantime we still have to trudge through it all. Safe hands and safe feet are our biggest challenge right now. A challenge that I usually deal with solo since my husband works nights. And really, I'm the one she tends to break down with any way. I'm told this has to do with trust and that that should make me feel at least a little better, but it really doesn't.
So, we've been working on choice right now. It is one thing to have all of these awful things going on and all these big feelings but what really matters is what we choose to do with them and that we really do have a choice. I know she feels so completely out of control and frankly I do too. It is so easy to wallow lately. I'm finding it hard to take pride in my parenting and often feel like I am just trudging through until we make another leap in development or until my husband no longer works nights. My heart is sick with worry for her and it is crowding out the joy it used to be overflowing with. And this is where it clicks for me.
I can choose to find the joy again. Yes this is hard. Really, really hard. The kind of hard that makes my soul hurt but I can't allow it to take away my joy anymore. Honestly getting bogged down is really only going to make things worse. My amazing little girl is trying her hardest to make choices and if she can do it, I can. I miss our joyful times. I am so flipping tired of things being hard. Everything isn't going to get better over night and I am at the point where I just want to scream with anger at what she has to deal with, what we all have to deal with. So this is me refusing to let the difficult times define me and my children. I'm going to start practicing this joy thing again, and try to blog about it to remind myself. If anyone has anything that they find helpful, please let me know.
And that's it. I'm too tired now to write anymore.
